Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Booyah!

Dear Professor Donkeldong,

I would like to formally apologize.

Last night I snuck into your office. I sat in your chair and poured myself three fingers of Scotch from the bottle you’ve got stashed in the top desk drawer. Then I helped myself to your private library.

I pulled out the thickest, most archaic book on the shelf. The one bound in goblin skin with the hairy nipples. What do you call it? The Hecknocomicon?

Now, I’m not what you’d consider an avid reader, but as books go, that one’s a real page turner! It’s got everything. Spells of murder, mayhem, real crimes against nature.

What I’m trying to say is, the current curriculum is too mainstream. This is magic school. I'm not here to learn calculus. That’s why I took matters into my own hands.

I’m not saying my actions were justified, I’m just explaining my motive. Call it hubris. Call it a young man’s misguided ambition. Just don’t call my parents!

I closed my eyes and turned to a random chapter. It was the one about bringing inanimate objects to life. You know, enchantment.

I looked around your office, racked my brain for the best object to enchant. A pen? Coffee mug? Stapler? You really need some better knick-knacks. Finally I spotted this broom leaning against the wall. It was perfect.

Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Booyah! Broom chick was hot. Her long shapely handle and soft flowy bristles were the stuff dreams are made of. We talked for hours. Broomhilda is a Pisces and she speaks three languages. She’s the whole package. I was ready to risk it all.

I composed her a sonnet, sang her a song, really swept her off her feet. We eventually succumbed to our passion right there on top of your desk. How? Well, it’s best not to think of the logistics.

I honestly thought we were in love, but alas, it was never meant to be. That became painfully obvious once we did the deed. I drank the rest of the Scotch while I tweezed out all my dick splinters.

At that point I was pretty drunk. I found the spell for summoning a dragon. Go big or go home, right? Well, I thought summoning a dragon meant you control it like a pet. I thought I could ride him around, maybe use him to tease some freshman.

Turns out, that is not the case. This dragon definitely had a mind of his own. Dude torched your office and gave me some pretty gnarly burns on like two thirds of my body. Thank God I put my dick away!

In retrospect, summoning a dragon is more of an outdoor spell than an indoor spell. Dragons are a lot bigger in real life than on paper. Your office has a new window where he busted a hole in the wall with his tail and a skylight where his head smashed through the ceiling. I guess you could call that a silver lining.

I’m not sure where he is now. I couldn’t find the spell reversal. I think he got bored and took off toward the alchemy lab, stomping everything in his path. That’s the last I saw him.

I realize that I’ve probably ruined any chance of being your apprentice with a stunt like that. I can’t even afford to fix the damage. I hope you have good insurance. The least I can do is help you clean up the charred remains of your office, but I’m afraid we’ll have to put a pin in that because brooms and cleaning supplies are still too triggering.

With sincerest regrets,

Merlin