How to Have a Conversation with Someone Who is Self-Absorbed

Every time your friend asks you to get coffee you hesitate. He/she dominates the conversation and talks about himself the entire time. You think to yourself, maybe this time will be different. Maybe I can redirect the dialogue to a subject we can both relate to…Only it never works, ever.

In this Reddit Thread the OP lamented that she feels like she attracts self centered people because she is a good listener.

Another poster mentioned that when he first meets someone, he listens to them and doesn’t really open up himself until he knows them better. But at that point, when trying to share his own story, he gets a one or two word response before the person continues on about himself.

One person commented that people seem to want a 24/7 psychologist instead of a friend.

I’ve had that same feeling. In fact, I wonder if many of the people I was friends with only wanted me in their life if I could be of service. For instance, as soon as I stopped shuttling another mom’s kid around, she promptly dropped me as a friend.

Should you even allow a self-centered person into your life, let alone have a conversation with them?

The question should be: Can you set realistic boundaries in order to protect your mental health?

This article reminds us that these types usually lack empathy and struggle to understand how others feel.

And often self-centeredness develops due to upbringing, rejection, or trauma when someone is young.

I do understand that completely, but to me, whatever happened in your past does not excuse how you treat others now. While I feel for that person and what they went through, I don’t feel I should have to put up with this behavior.

Friendship is a two way street, and if I feel taken advantage of in any way, I can not and will not continue the friendship. Learned that the hard way!

If someone wants to be my friend, it should not be because of what I can do for them.

Dr. Aimee Daramus seems to agree. She says, “Your relationship with them can feel one-sided because it feels like you put in all the effort to maintain it, without getting anything in return.”

She adds that they are quick to blame others and refuse to accept responsibility.

Forget talking to these people…Should we even have keep them in our life? Yes, but set boundaries, asssert yourself and lower expectations.

Foor instance, if you experience something joyous in your life and you want to share it with someone, your self-centered friend may not be the person you call first, if at all.

In fact, you might need to limit contact with them, for the sake of your own mental well-being. It’s not that you have to cut them out of your life completely, just relegate them to a more acquaintance-type relationship rather than a true friendship.

An who knows…If they realize you are distancing yourself, they might make more of an effort to be there for you…Not likely but possible.

And above all, assert yourself. If you really need to tell this person something but all they do is go on an on about themselves, you might say, “I just need a few minutes of your time. I need to talk to you about something.”

Or smile and say, “That’s really interesting, but I can’t get a word in edgewise!”

Make it clear this is your turn to talk. Sure, he/she might be taken aback at first, but clearly someone has to let these types know the world doesn’t revolve around them!