Should you Invite Your Estranged Adult Child to a Significant Life Event?

This party is a big deal. You are retiring and all your friends, family and colleagues will attend. But you are estranged from your adult child. Maybe this would be a good opportunity to reconnect…Or would it?

Depends, says Psychologist Dr. Joshua Coleman. In this Psychology Today article , he recommends not contacting your estranged child for anything if he/she consistently rebukes your attempts at reconciliation, and basically wants nothing to do with you.

He says sometimes giving them time and space is the answer. Because then, both parties have a chance to reflect on the situation, and they may actually miss you:

Your estranged adult child may feel like you’re respecting their wishes more. They may respect you more for not continuing to set yourself to be rejected by them. And, it may invite more self-reflection on their part: “Hmm, my mother hasn’t reached out in seven months. Wonder what’s going on?”

Send the Invitation Anyway?

I agree with Dr. Coleman in that, if you constantly bug your child, he will feel pressured and less likely to want to reconnect.

But on the other hand, you only retire once. So it wouldn’t hurt to send the invitation. I mean, you are inviting other family members, so your kid will likely get wind of the party anyway, so might as well include them.

Prepare yourself to receive no reply, a nasty reply or surprise, your estranged adult child is coming to your soirée!

I would not celebrate just yet. It could be he ignores you during the entire party, or he wishes you a happy retirement, gives you a hug and then makes a quick getaway.

You really don’t know what’s going through your child’s mind. After all, he is an adult. But if you think you can deal with whatever transpires once you mail the invite, go ahead and send it. Just don’t be disappointed if it doesn’t result in the happy reunion you had hoped for.

Here is an interesting perspective from the adult child’s point of view. In this Reddit thread, the OP is trying to figure out whether she should attend a family gathering if she knows her estranged mother will be there.

I especially liked this person’s comment:

“I just go when the events are important. I make small talk and move on. I refuse to let my estranged parents limit what I do. They sometimes stir up sh*t. I can not control them. All I can do is control myself and my reactions. Besides, the whole family know they are crazy and why we are estranged. Your situation is different because you have a child to protect. Do you think your mother would have an outburst that would be harmful for your child to witness? I think the answer to that guides your answer to attend family gatherings.”

When and how to contact an estranged child is difficult. But as a parent of a young adult myself, I would not give up. That doesn’t mean you should harass your kid. But I would send a note or a text every once in a while.

You could simply say something like, “Been thinking about you. Hope you are doing well.” So it’s nothing they feel pressured to respond to. But your son or daughter knows the door is always open.

I have a good relationship with my son, but I know that could always change. Every once in a while, I tell him, if you have a problem, come to us. Don’t let it fester.

I realize, estrangements come out of left field sometimes. But keep the communication channels open, because people and situations do change.