Mermaid Fantasy Novel Needs Critiquing from the Community

Today marks the day of my first chapter rewrite, as I embark on the journey of rewriting and ultimately republishing my previous novel titled: Experimenting With Murder (EWM).

In a related story that I shared with the Writing community, I mentioned a few important details about how the whole notion to do a rewrite came about, as well as my initial motivation and inspiration for the original EWM mermaid story.

I've got a huge road ahead, with this 452-page (print version) novel to deconstruct and turn into the epic fantasy series that I know it can be.

To help prevent it from failing this time around, I'll be enlisting the help of readers and fellow writers who don't mind sharing their input.

There are some glaring problems and issues that I now recognize with this first novel, but even now, there are also some problematic sections that are not that obvious to me.

I sincerely look forward to any constructive criticism the community is willing to offer, to help my mermaid fantasy novel be a success next time around.

Questions to Readers

My questions to readers each week, will be presented after I've published a new book chapter in the Chapters community.

I'll be looking for honest evaluations of the posted chapter, and answers to the questions I raise here, concerning any related issues.

Chapter 1 Concerns:

QUESTION 1: Is it a good idea to open the book in the middle of the action or a fluid situation, without any point of reference yet? 

• MY CONCERN: My story starts with the action and dialogue right away, but as a longtime non-fiction writer, I'm used to exposition and setting things up first.

QUESTION 2: Does replaying a scene from a different POV confuse the reader about the timing of events?

• MY CONCERN: First I describe my opening scene from the humans POV, and directly afterwards, describe a scene leading up to the same situation, but from the mermaid's POV.

QUESTION 3: When describing the atmosphere and surroundings in a scene, how much is too much, before the reader gets bored with all the descriptive text?

• MY CONCERN: I'm afraid I may have included too much, in my efforts to convey my vision of the cave setting in my story.

Chapter 1 (Excerpt):

Carter went to help Tyler with the containers. He followed his boss in the opposite direction, away from the cave entrance. They came to an archway and Carter found himself staring down a long tunnel, about six or seven feet high, and equally as wide. It was lit up with LED's all along the walls and the path was a clear and empty road. The space was just wide enough to accommodate the small battery-charged vehicle sitting near the entrance. It resembled a golf cart and was just as easy to maneuver.

The cart was actually parked in a space inside the cave, facing the entrance of the tunnel. Later, Carter realized why they kept it there. Although the vehicle was small, there wasn't enough room to turn the cart around inside the tunnel.

Tyler set his container in the front, on the seat, and instructed Carter to put the one he held on the floor. After they loaded Marisol and the final container onto the cart they all took a short ride down the tunnel.

The vehicle had a quiet engine and went about 25 mph. It enabled Tyler's select staff to travel back and forth between the underlab and the main facility in less than ten minutes.

As they got closer to their destination, Carter noticed that there were fewer lights in the tunnel. It wasn't lit up like the hidden lab behind them, but they weren't in complete darkness either.

By the time Carter's eyes had fully adjusted, Tyler stopped the vehicle in front of a gate, just like the one behind the waterfall. He motioned for Carter to stay seated, and Tyler hopped out of the cart. He took the same key that he used earlier and unlocked the gate. This time when he pushed in on the wide gate, it opened easily.

Tyler climbed back into the vehicle, drove inside the gate, and maneuvered the cart around so that it was facing the tunnel. He left the key in the ignition and climbed out, then motioned for Carter to accompany him. They left Marisol in the backseat, barely moving. They each grabbed a container from the front seat of the cart.

The area directly under the main facility was restricted. The space served as a gateway to the actual underlab that they had just left. This time when Carter looked around, there wasn't much to see. This particular area was just a landing, with two elevators. There was nothing down there, other than a few items over in the area where the vehicle was charged and stored. No one on the floors above could even access the elevators unless they had a key, or a code. In between the two elevators, there was a panel that allowed you to insert a key or punch in a code. While both elevators looked the same, only one of them went all the way up to the third floor, and also the landing pad on the roof.

Carter pretended not to watch the five-digit code that Tyler punched in on the keypad. Tyler did it quickly, but not as quickly as he thought. Carter committed the number to memory and watched as the elevator door opened.

After putting the containers inside, they went back to the vehicle. Carter helped Marisol out and got her to her feet. Thanks to the drug, she couldn't stand alone, so he practically carried her to the elevator. After grabbing the last container out of the cart, Tyler pushed the gate closed with his body. He didn't bother locking it. He went to join Carter and Marisol at the elevator. They went up to the third floor and Tyler stopped the elevator long enough to pick up one final item from his other lab.

Before stepping back into the elevator with Carter and Marisol, Tyler glanced around quickly. He felt like he was forgetting something and it irritated him. He hated leaving hastily like he was doing, because he knew that was how mistakes were made; doing things in haste.

Any helpful critiques about how to make this particular passage better - if need be - would be very much appreciated.

Final Thoughts

Every week, I plan to publish a new chapter of my recent revisions in the "Chapters" community, plus publish a story in the "Writers" community, sharing a few thoughts about my "rewriting" activities and updates on how the process is going.

But most importantly, I'll be writing a brief story for the "Critique" community, requesting assistance and feedback about specific challenges I encounter during my revisions for that week.

Please help by leaving any constructive feedback you'd like to offer. 

Thanks for visiting.

_________________________

Be sure to read: 

Chapter 1 - Mermaid Island: Experimenting With Murder

Rewriting My First Fantasy Novel and Getting it Right this Time [Chapter 1 STATUS REPORT]