Estrangement from My Parents: 15 Years Later

2011: The year that I decided that enough was enough. I went home for summer break from Job Corps. For context, home was in Texas and I was attending a Job Corps center in Arkansas, nearing completion of my vocational trade, which was Office Administration. I was nearly four months away from graduating. Days before I was scheduled to head back to Job Corps, I felt like the two people who were supposed to love and support me were now focused on their attention towards my two younger siblings (a brother and sister). That was the last time I saw my family. My relationship with my family had been deteriorating for years, even well before I decided to officially distance myself from them.

If you've been a loyal subscriber and reader of mine on Vocal. then many of you already know many things about my personal life. To those who are new to this platform, I'll give you a bit of a background of who I am and the benefits of having no contact with my family. Some of the details I'm about to disclose might be triggering to some of you, so read at your own discretion. However, I feel like it's necessary to divulge these facts in order to guide others to reevaluate their relationships with their own families. Estrangement, or as I would call it, divorce from my parents, never felt so good.

I grew up in Arlington, Texas and the oldest of three children. While the majority of my childhood was filled with excitement, the household was toxic and abusive. Out of all of us siblings, I suffered the brunt of the abuse. Verbal threats, countless insults, and physical abuse, mostly inflicted by my now estranged father, occurred on a regular basis. It was like they hated me for being born. I was a helpless, defenseless young boy who couldn't speak or stand up for himself. No matter what I did, I've always been met with constant criticism. I always got blamed for my parent's problems. My estranged mother wasn't any better, either. Mostly, all I received from her was constant criticism and being gaslit. She was like Joan Crawford, aka The Mother from Hell. She was known for always playing the victim anytime she's in the wrong or one of us (siblings) did something that she probably didn't approve of. Finally, she was manipulative, turning my own sibling against me. Both of these individuals were too demanding and had unrealistic expectations for not only me, but my siblings. For example, if I or any of my siblings didn't pursue a career as a lawyer, doctor, or teacher, we were considered a disgrace to the entire family. Luckily, I didn't succumb to their ridiculous demands. My estranged parents were born in Liberia, which was located in West Africa. They emigrated to the United States when they were very young. The one thing that I hated the most as a kid was being compared to other people. If I didn't have certain things or a career that someone else had, then I was seen as worthless. All of the things that I described in this story affected my self-confidence and self-esteem. Their actions also affected me well into adulthood. They never allowed me to be myself and was the manufactured version of what I should be to them in order to feed their ego. I knew that I was gay when I was a young boy and suffered mental health issues at the age of 30. I came out as a gay man in 2012 at the age of 24 and less than six years later, suffered an enormous mental breakdown in early 2018. During the pandemic, I attempted suicide on numerous occasions, due to the fact that I was extremely lonely and always longed for my parents to finally accept me as I was.

In an open letter in 2020, which I wrote here on Vocal, I not only came out to my estranged parents, but called them out for how horribly they treated me all these years. Previously, whenever I would bring up how awful their behavior was towards me, they would deny everything. When I published that open letter, my estranged mother and sister weren't pleased. I refused to take down and erase the story, because I wanted to show my social media followers how horrible these people were to me. In 2020, I officially cut my young sister out of my life, because she was making excuses for our parent's toxic behavior. We know that parents aren't perfect people, but they have to take accountability and responsibility for their own actions. African parents, especially Liberian parents, taking personal responsibility is like kryptonite to them. They constantly play the victim card and use manipulation tactics to make their children feel as small as possible. Also, if you were to stand up to them or disagree with something, they would get in your face and yell at you, along with verbal insults, threats, and physical violence. Oh, and there's one more thing about African parents everyone needs to know. They lack empathy towards their own children. Whenever I go through periods of difficulties, they would ridicule me and call me all kinds of names. That I was too sensitive or shouldn't cry. I wasn't allowed to show any emotion. I might write a story about the things that African parents do in the future.

Fast forward to now, I'm in a much better place. Peace is better than engaging in family drama. Last month, I took a long overdue vacation to my hometown, a place where I haven't visited in nearly 15 years. I spent two days there and was amazed how much things have changed the last time I was there. The sole purpose of my trip to Arlington was to spend some me time, not to visit anyone. My estranged parents were the same people who kicked me out of my own hometown in order to boost their own egos, which separated me from the friends I went to school with and the place that I called home since childhood. Nevertheless, I returned and they couldn't tell me what to do or where I can't go on vacation.

Many of you might say to the effect of "They're still your parents" or "They're still your family." This mindset is untrue and toxic, because children have limits of what their parents do towards them. No child has to tolerate disrespect or abuse of any kind from them. Parents will never change, as much as you would like them to. Every person isn't meant to reconcile with people who never had your best interests at heart or truly loved you. Why waste your time making up with people who didn't love or care about you in the first place? Parents who constantly tear you down or don't respect your boundaries isn't love, it's manipulation. We were told as children to respect and honor our parents. However, respect is a two-way street, and most parents think that respect should only flow one way. Like I said before, children have limits. I'll never respect parents who dehumanize and abuse their own children to make themselves feel better. They don't deserve that label of mother or father at all. My estranged parents didn't deserve me and they never will.

In closing, walking away from a toxic family was the best decision that I've ever made. I receive messages from my estranged brother and sister, but I never respond. The key word is estranged, because silence is the best option. I don't argue. I just go on with my life as usual. The best response is no response. Having a work-life balance, a good career, and wonderful friends are the things I'm currently focused on. You're allowed to walk away from toxicity and disrespect. If you're currently going through estrangement from family, your peace of mind matters more than drama. There's nothing selfish about focusing on the positive things and people that makes you happy. You aren't responsible for your parent's feelings or wrongdoings. The trauma that was inflicted towards you by them wasn't your fault. Happiness comes from within yourself. Stay strong and may your life be filled with prosperity and joy.