Why We Form Fewer Friendships the Older We Get

In my 20’s I had a slew of friends; in fact almost everyone I met became my friend. Now, I can count the number on one hand, or maybe even a few fingers.

Other people I know feel the same. Friendships are harder to maintain, you feel you have less in common, and honestly, who wants to do the work?

Yes, all relationships require work including friendships. Should we simply make more of an effort?

According to this Psychology Today Article the last opportunity most people have of forming friendships is in their early adult years when they are moving to a new city and starting jobs. Those situations can often feel isolating without a friend group.

That’s exactly how I felt during my 20’s. After I graduated from college, I moved to four different cities before I turned 30. So you better believe I had a friend group in place from almost the minute I arrived in a new town. Sometimes it was to my detriment. Because often, these were work friends who would turn on you in an instant.

Maybe that’s why, as we grow older, we put up barriers and limit close friends to a very small circle. But it’s important for your mental health to socialize and to have people you can count on in your life.

How to Form Lasting Friendships Later in Life

Dr. Susan Newman says friendships make us healthier and happier. So, how do we make new ones or reestablish old ones from middle age onward?

It’s easier to make friends when you are single in your 20’s or in your 30’s when you befriend other parents perhaps, but after that, it takes more effort.

In this article, Dr. Eva Ritvo says older adults need to take a different approach toward making friends:

1. Be approachable.

2. Initiate Conversation.

3. Be patient.

That advice seems obvious. But she goes on to explain that often we don’t give off an approachable vibe (possibly because we are too hardened from the past?)

Don’t be afraid to invite someone to lunch or for a walk. Even if they say no, so what? That is one benefit to getting older. Rejection doesn’t sting like it used to!

Dr. Ritvo’s last point, to be patient, resonated with me. Friendships need to grow slowly. You can’t rush them. Maybe that’s why we still feel burned by people from our past. It’s easy to trust someone too quickly especially if you depend on these people for your entire social life (i.e. your 20’s!)

I asked a few people if they were still friends with their bridesmaids or groomsmen in their weddings. Every one of them said no, me included.

I always thought I would have a bunch of lifelong friends. I have one. And I don’t even talk to her that often.

Right now, I live in a very social neighborhood. So I know all I would have to do to do would be to join a spinning class or the ladies club here and I would make a slew of friends. But I prefer to maintain several acquaintances that I speak to a little bit on my walks.

Psychiatrists say that even those ordinary relationships with your local barista or your neighbor (called weak ties) are good for your mental health.

Simply chatting everyday with the person next to you on the train, for example, can have a powerful effect on your mental well-being, especially as you age.

So, when I walk to the corner coffee shop every morning, there is a reason I like passing the same runner everyday, and the lady in the light-up vest.(It’s dark early in the morning here.)

I don’t say much to them, but I don’t have to. I feel comforted simply knowing I will see them everyday.