What Does it Take to Successfully Reconcile with Your Estranged Adult Child?

A young woman who is estranged from her mom asked the Reddit community if it was possible to reconnect.

Most said absolutely, yes. But the road to reconciliation is a lot of work. In fact one user couldn’t believe she was standing with her mother in the kitchen making coffee. Two years ago, that wasn’t even a possibility.

Another poster revealed that she was estranged from both parents, but when her mother died, she and her father became closer. And when he remarried a couple of years ago, his new wife helped completely mend the rift:

“The biggest thing for us was when he got remarried a couple years ago to a woman he was completely in love with. She found out why we were estranged, told him he did me and my kids dirty and owed us an apology, and insisted he go to therapy and figure his shit out before the wedding. And he did. Love that woman!“

It seemed that every person who was able to resurrect a relationship with an estranged parent agreed on one thing: Go to therapy together.

How to Mend the Relationship with Your Adult Child

In this AARP article, clinical social worker Bonnie Cushing advises not to rehash what went wrong right away. Instead, work on re-establishing a connection. She says a hand written letter goes a long way. Or if that is not your style, leave a short voice mail, but don’t send a sterile e-mail.

Simply asking if he is interested in reconnecting is enough. Don’t bring grandchildren into the mix or restate your version of events that led to the estrangement.

Make it a no-strings attached olive branch. That way, neither the parent nor the adult child feels compelled to completely mend fences if they are not ready.

That is what the Reddit community basically agreed on...Baby steps. The new relationship may be completely different from the one you had before, but at least now, you are communicating.

If that is not possible and no matter what you do, you can’t find a way to reconcile, don’t beat yourself up. Cushing says it’s important to not let the estrangement define your life: “Help yourself now and you'll be better prepared if or when a reconciliation comes about.”

Accept Each Other for Who They Are

I have a hard time relating to people who are estranged from a parent or child. I lost my mother when I was 24 years old. I was just coming out of the rebellious teen phase and beginning to enter a mutual adult relationship with her. Relationships that I now see other people have with their parents. But I didn’t get enough time for her to see that side of me.

I felt like I was the needy, self centered young adult when she died, not the more mature person I became later who actually stepped up and cared for my dad.

I would give anything to have her back. So, to see people estranged from their parents makes me sad. I want to shake them and say, “Do whatever you can to make the relationship work. Because your parents will be gone and you will regret not being there for them.”

But I understand the parent-child relationship is much more complicated than that. And there are probably very good reasons why you can’t reconnect with a parent.

I agree with the Redditors: Don’t give up until you have at least attempted family therapy. Sometimes it takes a professional involved to see what you have been missing all along. Some common thread that could at least begin a much-needed dialogue.