In a loving 2 yr relationship, but feeling a shallow attraction to a guy I don’t even want.

I’m autistic, with low self-esteem and daddy issues. I’m also in a loving relationship. Have had a crush on this guy that has escalated to uncontrollable obsessive thoughts at times. I’ve worked on my self-esteem and things have got better but sometimes I’m pulled back in. I don’t want him, I just want him to want me. Recently followed him on Instagram cuz his two best friends follow me. But he didn’t follow back. Sometimes this leads to me questioning why he doesn’t like me. But I know I shouldn’t care cuz I don’t even like him rlly and my boyfriend is the best. I don’t wanna break up with my bf just cuz I’m scared.

I have been so reluctant to post about this cuz I was worried ppl would think I’m evil, but I’m just an incredibly insecure girl who’s been suffering alone and trying to be the best girlfriend possible because I really love my boyfriend. I just have these moments of anxiety. Here’s some things that are crucial to know before we dive in:

I’m autistic, one of my symptoms is obsessive thoughts that are extremely distressing because of my trauma, I have extremely low self-esteem. Throughout my childhood I have projected my insecurities onto individual ppl usually ppl I want to be like or have innocent crushes on. But as it progresses comparing myself or thinking about these ppl becomes a cycle of emotional self-harm. I just got done with a 3 yr obsession with a female celebrity I compared myself to. I know my priorities. That is why I’m fighting so hard to keep it together. I love my boyfriend. There’s no way to tell the future, but I know at this point I want him to be in it.

I have broken up with him 3 times before. First time was justified but we worked it out cuz it’s our first relationship and neither of us were that mature 2 years ago. The next two times, he did hurt me but it was easily something I could’ve talked to him about instead of jumping the gun. This is a cycle of mine haha. I’ve lost a couple friendships cuz of my tendency to run. Sometimes I hear a voice in my head telling me to break up with my boyfriend not cuz there’s anything wrong, but because I am not used to stability and safety and it makes me anxious.

Okay, now that we have that out the way. Around the same time I met my bf and got with him, I saw this handsome guy on campus. Even though my relationship was fresh, I already locked it down with my bf. But that crush grew stronger. Oh I should also mention that this guy had a tendency to stare at me, so that definitely made the crush stronger. I’ve only spoken like 5 words to this other guy. I don’t know him. Everything I “like” about him I’ve invented. My infatuation with him isn’t me wanting him, it’s him wanting me. I’ve worked on this and am feeling like I’m at the tail end of this obsession. And I recently got some closure (which I will get to) but there are still those leftover symptoms I’m dealing with. And sometimes I worry that I will do something stupid and hurt my bf. Even though I have a track record of finding ways to calm down, set boundaries with myself, and control the urges. It’s less about me thinking I’ll cheat and more about my relationship anxiety and wanting to just run away when things get easy. And I known that’s weird to say but that’s it. I’m used to things being hard. It’s when things get easy that I freak out haha.

Anyway, I was feeling so good and really seeing my progress. The other guys best friends both follow me on Instagram. And I’ll admit, I was a little curious. Again, I don’t actually want this guy, I want his attention (ikik I’m working on it). In fact he has shown some less than favorable traits. But anyway in the past when me and my bf broke up I had followed him on Instagram when we rlly didn’t know each other. But this time around I was like okay his best friends follow me, he’s aware of me because I’m really involved on campus, he’s even signed one of my petitions. So I thought alright imma send this follow request and if he doesn’t accept it (which I assumed he wouldn’t) then that will give me the final close to the chapter. There’s nowhere to go from there, cuz whatever explanation I wanna have for him not following me doesn’t matter. He just doesn’t want me. And you know what? I don’t want him either so it doesn’t matter. But of course I can’t control obsessive thoughts that tell me otherwise.

The main thing for me now is, damn why doesn’t he want me? Like what could it be, I tried to be kind to everyone, I think I’m pretty interesting, I care about my community…like what could stop you from following me, but you follow other girls that I know you don’t interact with that much either. That’s my low self-worth talking. Even if I did directly ask him, it wouldn’t give him the place to speak on my value as a person. I already have someone who sees me at my best and worst moments and still loves me the same and I love him the same as well. Me and my bf have something really good. And i owe it to myself to let myself be loved by someone, it’s just so damn scary and that’s why these stupid thoughts about a guy I don’t even like come up. Doesn’t help that the other guy is sexy too.

Anyway, if anyone reads this, thanks for listening haha. I feel way better. Sometimes I just have to get it out to get myself together. Please don’t judge me too harshly. I’m really trying. I wanna put in the effort for my boyfriend and not just run away again.